i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
