i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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