Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
