Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
