There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
