apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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