Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
