we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
