I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
