I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
