upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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