Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
