Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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