Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
