where am i from again
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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