i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
