Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
