The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
