i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
