just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
