If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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