apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
