Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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