Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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