I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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