I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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