I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Less talking, more tequila
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
