apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You dont lie about slip and slides
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize