I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
