No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
