What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
