Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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