you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
