I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
