i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
