thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
