Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
