I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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