Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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