I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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