Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Randomize
