So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
