omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
