Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
