Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
