i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My breasts were aching with rage.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I enjoy the company of your penis
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
