I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
