My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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