I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
