I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
